Circle of Relationships

Growing up I led a nomadic existence. My father had been a Green Beret and after his service we made several moves across the country as he tried to find his place in the world. Because of this I attended 13 different schools before finishing high school.

This created in me an inability to understand friendship in healthy ways. I could make “friends” anywhere, but I didn’t know how to keep them. It was most difficult with girls. Girls are hard… They typically didn’t like the “new girl” and if the boys did, they liked her less. I could never read them.

My nature was always “others centered” and I was an open book. In my brain, and out my mouth! I never learned how to “play the game” and read the cues. If I did finally develop a connection with someone, then I had to face the grief of loss too, when we ended up moving again.

Because of this it took decades for me to find balance and understanding regarding our relationships in this life. I faced many years of trial and error, actively trying to figure this puzzle out. I found myself going from one extreme to the next.

I would go “all in” with a friendship but with the wrong type of person for me. I either came on too strong, and overwhelm them, or I didn’t perform well enough, and they would get needy and insecure, needing my constant reassurance.

In either case I would have done anything for that person. I don’t blame anyone else AT ALL. Again, I really just didn’t know how it all worked! The relationships that I had, often weren’t “equal”. The Bible talks about not being “unequally yoked” and that’s not just for marriage. When a friendship is not based on an equal footing, or it’s not in the right place in your “circle”, it will fail too.

For example, because my faith is so important to me, when I would try to be close friends with someone whose faith wasn’t very important, we couldn’t have balance. Not because I was judging them or anything but because the things and topics that brought me joy and excitement just weren’t important to them, or understood by that other person. It never meant that I was “more saved” than them, at all. It’s just that in a deep friendship you need to enjoy the same types of things.

I have MANY friends that I love deeply, who are of different faiths or have no faith at all, and we enjoy each other immensely, but they wouldn’t be “best friend” material for me because I would need to discover spiritual things with that person.

I would then go for a while, completely giving up on attempting to develop friends. My life was hard enough and it was just too much emotional work. It was in those times that I learned that it was enough just to have God, and He used those times to develop deeper aspects of my faith. There was even a purpose in that “loneliness” because I learned how to be content alone.

I never stopped loving and ministering out to others. I just didn’t let others inside my own life and heart.

Eventually though I would make another attempt with another woman, and again become disappointed. Often they would “ghost” me and I would be left wondering what I did wrong this time. Other times the woman would become needy and it would feel like I was constantly their therapist, only they wouldn’t accept any help that I offered.

One of the things about my particular personality type is that I don’t just want to help someone with their immediate problem, I want to help someone get to the bottom of why they have that problem to begin with, so that it doesn’t keep happening, especially with someone that says they want to be my “best friend”.

If they refuse to let me help and the problems recur again and again, it’s not friendship in that relationship anymore, it’s ministry, and that’s in a different category than a “best friend”. I loved them but they became work. Again, unbalanced.

When I became the one in need and didn’t have anything within me to give them, for a season, they would pack up their toys and go. By that point it wasn’t a bad thing. I had already become very comfortable being alone and it wasn’t distressing anymore, just unnecessary drama. Yes I was sad but also at peace.

One day, as I was studying, I picked up my husband’s Men’s Study Bible. I was flipping through it, looking at some of the little study portions, when one popped out at me about relationships.

In it there was a study about using the relationship dynamics in the life of Jesus as a road map of our own relationships. It described His relationships in an ever shrinking circle.

In the outside circle were the thousands that He ministered outward to, but never expected anything in return. There was a time in my own ministry when I would get those people confused with being friends. I would give everything of myself to them, but when they didn’t give back, by even saying “thank you”, it would wound me. I was putting my own expectations on the wrong people.

When we give out from ourselves in ministry or charity, the only One we should be doing it for is our Heavenly Father. Not for the other people, and not just to make ourselves feel good, but as an offering to God. Just as His gift of His Son was free, so should the love that we give to the Others that He has brought into our life, to love as He has loved us.

The next circle inside the picture was His “tribe”. His family and the community of people who supported His ministry. Those are the people that we often just take for granted but without them we wouldn’t have the ability to thrive and give. That can be blood family, but it can also be a church, an AA group, or any type of community that you feel at home connecting with. It can even be an online community of others who enjoy the same passions, like art, cars, etc. and even medical conditions, like the ones I have.

The next circle inside the tribe were His confidants. His disciples and close friends, like Mary and Martha. These were the ones that He taught, but also laughed with, attended life events with, and who filled Him up with strength, joy and love.

The last circle, closest to His heart, were His best friends. These were the 3 that He invited to the Mountain Top in His greatest hour of need. He trusted them in His darkest hours. He asked more of them than anyone else.

Even then though, in His greatest hour of need, they disappointed Him. They literally “fell asleep on the job”, not once, but 3 times!

He didn’t give up on them though! He still loved them and cherished them, knowing that their intentions were still pure and they loved Him.

In the end it WAS just Him and His Father, and that was enough.

It’s not good for us to be alone, but we also have to be at a place of peace when it is just us and our Father, because with Him we are never alone.

When He does give us relationships, we need to be aware of where those people fall in our circles and to truly cherish each one, wherever they fall! I’ve still never had success with having a “best friend” but He has given me a wonderful tribe of Brothers and Sisters that I love with my whole heart and know that they love and support me with theirs, completely.

Sometimes I wonder if not having the “Best Friend”, for myself, is to keep me close to Him alone? If so, I’m okay with that. However, if He does ever give me one, they will be cherished completely because I know what a precious treasure that gift is!